Sunday, September 14, 2008

Just Thinking...

I've been thinking lately about how I’m going to handle the long wait ahead. My husband is disabled, which has added a whole other layer of anxiety to this experience. First we had to get pre-approved, a “no guarantee go-ahead,” which basically meant, “send your dossier to China, it’s worth a shot.” We then spent the next year making logistical changes to make life easier. We sold our condo and are now renting a single level apartment because my husband can no longer climb stairs. At the same time, we went through a year-long wait for his electric wheel chair to be built and approved by the insurance company–not quite as painful as waiting for a child, but close! I’ve been working extra hours to get us more financially secure and though I’m tired all the time, I tell myself it will be so worth it in the end. Two weeks ago we were told our dossier was in review and that CCAA had some questions they wanted us to address, mainly about my husband’s health. So now, I guess we are waiting to hear that the review of dossiers through March ‘07 has been completed, and if we haven’t been rejected, we can assume we’re now waiting for a referral. At a recent Waiting Families meeting at my adoption agency, a staff member kept saying that even though the wait is hard, we will all get a child in the end. To me however, she said, there is no guarantee. This waiting would be so much easier if I could know for sure that I will have a daughter in the end. The thought that we might wait another two years (or longer), and then be told in the end, sorry, no child for you, is a thought I am constantly pushing out of my mind. Because of our special circumstances, we have no other options than China. So I am resigned to seeing this through. A waiting father at that meeting reminded me that waiting doesn’t mean stopping. That was helpful to hear. Now I just have to give some thought as to what that means for me… voice lessons maybe?